Change and Growing Up

This post is basically me complaining and whining. Sorry. Lol. No seriously, I'm sorry.

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One thing many people may not know about me is that I'm terrible with change. Once I get into a certain cycle or routine, it's hard to stop or deter from that cycle. When change suddenly comes my way, I get pretty frustrated and stressed...which is why I'm writing this. 

My sister from Georgia is moving back and a friend of hers may be staying with us for a while. A couple of months ago, I would burst with excitement at such news. More people in the house = more fun, more people to confide in and spend time with, etc...

Now, I'm starting to change my mind. My sister and her friend are here right now (they'll be leaving tomorrow and then coming back for good in a few weeks) and I hate it.

I'm not used to having a stranger in the house and frankly, I'm extremely uncomfortable. I can't blast my music or do what I normally do because I feel the need to conform into a more 'proper' person. I also have to share a room with my sister so I don't get much privacy to do what I want. If I watch dramas, I get yelled at for studying. If I try to take a nap, I get yelled at because I'm only a high schooler and I have no reason to be tired or sad or whatever. It's annoying.

Not only that, but my older sister has been getting on me about my habits. She wants me to get a summer job and start saving for a car. Like whoa there I'm only 15. I want to enjoy my summer and relax. I don't understand the rush to get a liscence and a job. I'm FIFTEEN. I want to enjoy being 15. I don't want to worry about work and learning how to drive. I was planning on learning around senior year. I don't understand why I have to grow up so quickly. I used to want to grow up but now I don't. I'm a kid and kids shouldn't worry about that stuff. I feel like I have to though because she is a very dominant person and will give me hell If I don't do what she wants me to. 

She also wants me to do after school activities and wants me to study more (despite all the efforts I'm putting into school right now). I don't understand all the pressure and weight that kids have to have when it comes to school. Yes, college is important but this is a bit much. My attitude towards school is get in and get out. I don't care about extracurricular activities. I don't give two craps about what colleges think of me. I'm not even thinking about the repercussions of not getting involved.

I just don't care (shame on me, I know). 

I definitely understand why that sounds bad but I don't really value school as much as I should. Yes, education = job with good pay, but is that all life has to offer? I want to do what I love and don't want my life to be engulfed in things I hate. I spend so much time watching dramas and drawing and writing because I LOVE it and I feel like it's the only thing keeping me sane these days. School is hell and they're definitely overworking students. Even my health teacher said that this generation has the most pressure and work on them than any other generation. In addition, some kids are so annoying, rude, and judgemental, teachers aren't understanding, and a siblings just put so much pressure on people. 

What's the point in investing/caring so much about something that makes you feel like crap? Forgive me for not caring about my GPA and resume. I figured focusing on what makes me happy would be more important.

I know this was a jumble but I'm trying to release everything.

I can tell from here on out my life's going to be different with two new people in the house, one of which is going to be breathing down my neck 24/7.

So much for chilling and getting through highschool with decent grades and majoring in something I love. I don't even think I can do anything related to writing or drawing because nothing I like pays well.

I'm sorry for all this complaining and whining (it's not even well constructed or focused on one topic) but I really needed to rant. I know I sound like an ungrateful, melodramatic teen.

I guess that's because I am one.

Here I go again.

Okay, let me stop. I'm just super annoyed and upset and when I'm like this, I become really negative and over dramatic. I turn small things into big things and start making a fuss about everything. 

Once again, (what is this the third time?) I'm sorry!!

***

I tried talking to my sister about this but she says I'm making a big deal out of nothing and basically that this is a small, insignificant problem. 

I guess to an adult, all kids have insignificant problems. What's big to us is small to them because they're grown and they've gotten through what we are currently going through. I get that, but i wish they could be a bit more understanding of our feelings considering the fact that they've been through these things before. I wish they could try to enpathize and relate to us instead of constantly telling us we're overreacting.

Sigh.

I guess this is just the way life is. 

^^ how I feel internally (thank goodness that baby is gone though)

**

So a day has passed since I've written this and I just want to say wow...

Just for clarification, my sisters aren't bad people and they aren't mean or whatever, they just have different perspectives and are hard on me because they don't want me to make the same mistakes they've made. I feel like I made them sound like monsters in this post lol but they're really not. 

A New (Big) Idea + Rambles ٩꒰ ( ✪͈̀ ᗜ ✪͈́) ꒱۶

Lately, I've been watching dramas nonstop -- whether it be Japanese or Korean, I've just been drama binging.

(It's a horrible illness, I know).

Since I've been watching a lot, I've found some really amazing and meaningful ones. I've also found some not so meaningful ones.

Whenever i finish a meaningful drama, I always try to find one that's similar. One with a remarkable friendship, amazing character development, hardships, and maybe some romance *wink wink* but it's so hard and usually, I find those dramas when I'm not looking for them. When I randomly watch a recommended drama, not expecting much, or find something that I've been debating on watching. It's usually those that are amazing.

Anyways, the point of this seemingly pointless ramble is that I want to write up a drama one day. Since I have such a hard time finding one that I'd really like, why not make my own? I know, I know, so unrealistic and impractical, but hey! A girl can dream...

The closest I can get to ever doing something like that Is writing a story and lately, I've noticed that's been a lot harder compared to before. My vocabulary isn't as great now. Difficult words I used to know last year have been erased from my long term memory. In addition to that, I also tend to make all my sentences sound the same in my stories. They all have a familiar ring to it. 

I was reading an assassins creed fanfic I wrote a while ago and my goodness. The way I wrote back then was so different compared to now -- maybe even better. Point is, I have some work to do. I suppose I won't ever get better if I don't pick up a pencil and practice.

Maybe one day I can produce an amazing drama. It would be cool to see character I've made come to life and plots I made up unravel before my very eyes. I think I would be kind of magical. 

I'll end off with this quote that I love --

"If there's a book that you want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it." 

I think this can go for anything. If there's a drawing or painting you're yearning to see, create it. A play you want to watch, write it. 

I know I'm being really unrealistic. Figuring out a plot is hard work and getting people to even notice you is can take years and years of dedication but for me, I think I'm going to just write and draw without the intention of getting my stuff famous or known. It's good enough, writing or drawing something I like. Even if it is frusterating at times. 

Goodbye my lovely readers (reader)! (I'm probably going to write another post because I feel like releasing my thoughts. Next one js definitely about school lol).